The seven emotional needs of children

Children develop a healthy capacity to trust and a healthy self esteem when the yearning of their souls is satisfied. Here are some ways we can satisfy those yearnings.

Protection:  A home where children find it very comfortable to run into the arms of their mom and dad at any moment to find love and protection is one where trust flourishes. Children need a safe and well-protected place to grow up, a place devoid of emotional and physical threat, and a place where warmth and nourishment are provided.  Children feel safe in an environment where the relationship they depend on is stable and predictable. In order for the children to feel safe, parents need to work hard at resolving any differences that they might have peacefully.

Acceptance:  Children crave acceptance. They crave it from their friends, teachers and most especially from their parents. They need to know that they are worthy of your love irrespective of their natural limitations, physical imperfections and poor performance. Absence of acceptance can negatively affect a child’s self image. Our response to our children’s need is the primary source of their self-perception. It is important for parents to recognize and appreciate their children’s unique gifts and interests while avoiding negative comparisons with others.

Recognition: Children who come from homes with high expectation and low affirmation often grow up with a nagging sense of inadequacy. If they cannot win their parents approval, they feel that they are not good enough or deficient. They may eventually become people pleasers or seek to prove themselves through their careers or ministry performance. Parents are encouraged to have phrases like “I’m proud of you” or “Good job”, “I respect you,” in their vocabulary when speaking to their children.

Enforced Limits:  Children feel insecure when there are no rules and limits placed on them. Behavioral problems are avenues that children use to ask for help. A child who feels anxious may act out because he needs someone to bring structure and safety into his life. We need to clearly communicate to our children when enforcing these limits some children fail to meet the expectations placed on them because they don’t know what our limits are.

Affection: Children need affection so badly that they can starve without it.  A study conducted by psychologist Tiffany Field (U.S News & World Report) confirms that “Premature infants who were massaged for 15 minutes three times a day gained weight 47% faster than preemies given standard intensive care nursery treatment: as little touching as possible. The preemies who were massaged weren’t eating more: they just processed food more efficiently. Massaged preemies were more alert and aware of their surroundings when awake, while their sleep was deeper and more restorative. Eight months later, the massaged infants scored better on mental and motor tests”. Hugging, holding and cuddling your children deposit within them memories of comfort and security that are carried throughout their lives.

Time:  Children who don’t feel like they are the centre of their parent’s attention and the main priority in their life often struggle over time with the feelings of abandonment and rejection. Children need quality time with their parents. Good relationships require focused attention Parents need to be available to their kids and spend special time focusing on their interests and concerns.

Support: If our children are to ascend to their callings in life, they will need the freedom to fall- but not too far. They need guidance, protection and encouragement to step out. They need us to hold their hands as we let them go.

Written by Dr. Godwin & Blessing Ude

ACCEPT THEM FOR WHOM THEY ARE

imagesA good relationship is not one with imperfections but one where a healthy perspective overlooks a number of “unresolvables”. It’s often rare to find a human who is able to satisfy every longing of another. No man can meet all the emotional needs of a woman and no woman can become a man’s sexual dream machine for a whole day. Try to develop the best possible outlook and accept reality the way it is. Accept what cannot be changed. Choose to be contented in all circumstances.

Be your child’s own mentor

imagesProverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it”

Parents are mandated to teach their children how to think right, talk right and live right. The saying “Do what I say and not what I do” is not operative in this setting. We need to show our children the right way to live. We need to encourage them to “Do what we say and what we do.

The challenge here is knowing what the real way is. If we don’t know the way how can we show them the way? It’s impossible to train our children to live right if we don’t know how to live right. We can’t teach them to know Gods’ word if we don’t know God’s word ourselves, neither can we teach them to pray if we don’t know how to pray ourselves. The onus now lies on us parents to study and know for ourselves the way that our children should go so that we can show them, for our children can only go where their parents take them.

Someone may ask, what is this way? It is the way of righteousness and godliness. This way is a lifelong process for us and our children; however, we still need to model it for them. This type of life enables our children to grow into fruitful, productive and fulfilled adults who reflect in their lives the image of Jesus Christ. It is a great legacy for parents to pass on to their children and train them up in the things of God. This enables them to discover that the true meaning and purpose in life are found in living consciously and purposefully as kingdom citizens.

John’s family had eight siblings who all know the Lord. Their parents did not have much money. They could only provide food for the family. All other things were luxury. However, they all grew up in an atmosphere of love. They were all taught to love God and live right. In such an environment, material things were inconsequential. They were rich in what matters most-love of God, love of family and the knowledge and confidence to live an abundance life.

John’s parents understood that parenting must be on purpose and begins at birth. Waiting till the teenage years might be too late. Research has shown that the first five years of a child’s life (the formative years) are very important. Those are the years when children are molded into what they eventually become. Some may stray for a time but they will eventually return to the values, beliefs and trained they received as children.

Written by Dr. Godwin & Blessing Ude.

FACEBOOK AND EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS

imagesAs I was going through my Facebook page, I noticed that a lot of my high school classmates are active users. It was like the whole class is reconnected through Facebook. Well, Facebook could be a good way to communicate but sometimes, one’s privacy may easily be compromised. High school or College Facebook pages are ripe places for the rekindling of an old emotional affair. It’s amazing the memories those names in our Facebook page evoke. I still remember John and the good times we all had together back in our High school days. I remembered all the fun times we had and the adventures that were embarked upon.

One thing that struck me, as I thought about Facebook was the fact that I had gotten complaints from a good number of people about their partners spending a good amount of time catching up with friends on the Facebook. Surprisingly the complaints came from couples who were already having marital problems. One wonders, if this could be as a result of a reconnected and rekindled emotional affair? It begins with an ordinary click on the “friend” button, followed by the shock of reconnecting with an old friend we had shared intimacy with before, then follows an affair, and later it turns into infidelity. I remember Stacy sharing with me that as she scrolled through a list of her former classmates on her Facebook page, she found herself intrigued with so many ugly possibilities. All of those “what-if” questions began flowing through her mind and she began wondering what would have happened if she had kept up with her past relationship. People easily fall into the trap of a Facebook emotional affair. The majority of counseling bordering on emotional disconnection between couples now has more to do with social media romances.

A woman from our counselling centre innocently made contact with one of her old “flames” on Facebook. The heartfelt confessions of this old male-friend declaring that he had made a mistake by not marrying her were a healing salve on the wound she had carried since they broke up many years ago. It made her day when he also told her she was just as beautiful today as she had been years ago. She soon re-connected with the passion she experienced with the relationship she had with her ex-flame. She concluded that the pleasure of the old affair far exceeded what she was experiencing in her marriage. Unfortunately, she described her marriage as boring from too much emphasis on raising kids and little or no time spent on renewing their marriage relationship. There is nothing like the euphoria one receives from falling in love, especially during the High School days. The High School flame can burn for years, even after the two lovers had parted ways and are settled in their homes with their spouses. Facebook has become a powerful tool that enables the rekindling of these old flames that seemed dead and forgotten.

Often times, people become vulnerable as they interact with those from their past because of the strong bonds created in those relationships. These relational bonds from the past rarely, if ever, fade. Most people fail to realize how easily those old flames can be re-ignited once contact is re-established. The next thing you know is they are dealing with infidelity.

I feel a bit of compassion for those recovering from an affair initiated through Facebook, because they have fallen for illusions of the past. This can happen so easily to anyone. Dealing with infidelity can be very challenging. Guard you heart and guard your marriage. You are only as weak as your strongest link. He that thinketh he stands be careful less he falls. I Cor. 10:12.

Written by Dr. Godwin & Blessing Ude.

Why did God become one of us?

 With God, words are not enough. By the Word all things were created and given their identity and purpose. Yet, God never stopped there. Before sin entered the world, Bible tells us that God walked with Adam in the garden. After Sin corrupted the nature of all people and the world itself, God has continually appeared before His people in various ways even dwelling amongst them in Spirit for a time. Simply creating and setting things in motion was not enough for God. His desire has always been to have an intimate involvement and even relationship with His creation.
 It was necessary for our salvation. Romans 3:23, 6:23. The only way our sins can be atoned for is through human death-the blood. The ONLY possible way of salvation is for one who is a perfect man and whose life is truly of infinite and eternal value to pay the price on behalf of all
 That we may transform into his likeness. II Corinthians. 3:17, 18, Colossians 3:10, Philippians 2:5, 7.

 

Why will Jesus come as a baby through gestation & natural birth through a Virgin?
The late theologian, Lewis Sperry Chafer, explained it this way:
“it was both natural and reasonable that Christ should enter that estate by the way of birth and pursue the normal process of development through childhood to manhood. Any other approach to this estate would not only be unnatural, but would have left Him open to grave suspicion that His manner of existence was foreign to the human family” (Vol. I, pg. 355) . .

“By such a procedure no question may be raised about the genuineness of His humanity or the permanency of it. It is true that, because of His unchangeable Deity, He could not be born of a human father. Had He been born of a human father and mother there would have been nothing to identify His humanity as the rightful property of His Deity. On the other hand, had He appeared with no relation to human parentage, there would have been no legitimate basis for the fact of His humanity. The divinely wrought arrangement by which He is generated of the Holy Spirit and born of a woman is the perfect solution of the problem.” (Vol. 5, pg. 47-48).
In conclusion, we have to bear in mind that, Jesus, the Word who was with God and who is God, didn’t humble Himself and come from glory in the flesh, fully Man and subject Himself to sinful humanity just for His own jollies. He came because, from before the beginning, He had a plan, a plan which is even now being worked out. A plan that is for our sake as well as His glory, a plan that He is giving all to see through to it’s completion.
1Jn 2:1-2 says “My little children, I am writing you these things so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father–Jesus Christ the righteous One. He Himself is the propitiation for our sins, and not only for ours, but also for those of the whole world.”
It is now left for us to embrace that which Jesus did on the cross, his death and his resurrection. We need to receive his gift, to believe in him and to walk in his divine plan for our lives.

Written by Dr. Godwin & Blessing Ude

Lessons Learned from the message after Pentecost

Peter’s message demonstrated the bold power that the Holy Spirit had worked in his life. So, unlike the apostle that denied the Lord three times on the night of his crucifixion. Many times, today especially, we see the gospel message watered down in the name of being seeker friendly or seeker sensitive. The premise, which is to present the gospel to unbelievers in a way that they can identify with, is good. But what often happens is that the people often get a feel-good gospel that only presents one side of the gospel. Peter’s message pulled no punches. He presented the truth in love, as he outlined their need for a savior and presented the savior to them, Christ Jesus.

 

Peter lays the death of Jesus on their conscience. He does this because it is certain that some of the same crowd here were the same ones that called for Barabbas to be released instead of Jesus, and the same ones that cried for Pilate to crucify Jesus. The death of Jesus was on their heads, along with the religious leaders and Judas. Peter didn’t back down from this statement at all, even though some hearing him might not like it. Peter spoke the truth, but he spoke the truth in love. I think a lot of people miss out on that today. A lot of pastors and teachers teach the truth without the love. Jesus never did that, and Peter wasn’t doing that here either. After accusing them of having a hand in Jesus’ death – he gives them hope. He tells them about the risen Lord.

 

Peter tells that Jesus was raised up by God, as He was. He then uses a peculiar phrase to describe the resurrection. Peter said that God loosed the pains of death. This is a very peculiar phrase – loosed the pains of death. In the original Greek, the pain describes the pain of childbirth. Now, I know about that first hand, I have seen it, and it is pretty painful. What is peculiar here is that death is described as not able to hold back Jesus from being raised from the dead. He was not held by it because He was the Messiah, the savior and king that they had been waiting for.

 

Jesus gave us the Great Commission in Matthew 28:18-20 and he expects us to go and do likewise. There are so many lost souls that need salvation. Behold! Today is the appointed day. Behold! Today is the salvation.

Written by Dr. Godwin & Blessing Ude

Build a Christ-Centred Home

Setting aside regular time to study the scriptures together and applying them to our everyday life can be an incredible resource and a window to the mind of God who is the author of all relationships. In this well of resources is found the secrets to a healthy  family life and living together in peace and harmony.

Laugh Together

Laughter does good like medicine. It brings about healing in a relationship. Always create opportunities for laughter in your relationship. Have fun together. Do things that you both enjoy together. This provides for a high bonding experience.

Prayer

A family that prays together stays together.  Form the habit of praying with your partner before starting your day or sleeping at night. It encourages the feeling of togetherness. It makes you feel connected throughout the day.

Touch

Touch is a very powerful love language. Try offering tender meaningful touches to your spouse everyday.

© 2017 Family Life Centre - Home | About Us | Our Store | Contact Us